Confessions of a Worship Seeker

I always thought I knew what worship was.  But this past year has changed everything I thought I knew.

For me, worship has always meant singing.  Music touches a place in my soul and brings with it an emotional response.  Singing is how I express my praise.

Or, rather, it was.  Almost a year ago I lost my voice.  I lost my ability to worship as well.  I was angry and seething with bitterness. I would stand in the service while the congregation sang around me and sob.

I lashed out at God, How am I supposed to praise you when it sounds so terrible?! 

God asked me, Do you sing because you love Me or because it sounds pretty?

I was struck.  I had never realized how much my worship depended on the quality of my voice, how much pride was hidden in the talent God had gifted to me.  I never realized how deep the rut ran that I had become stuck in.  Because I focused so much on music and that particular outlet of worship, I didn't know how to worship any other way.

 

That one incident has sparked a journey for me.  A journey to discover what true worship is and what it is not.

My husband and I are members of a Baptist church that we love.  He teases me and calls me a closet Pentecostal because sometimes I long for loud rejoicing.  I long for uplifted hands and the sounds of people praising the Lord in their prayer language.  My other half finds those styles of worship strange to say the least.  He doesn't doubt their validity or honesty, he just doesn't praise that way.

 

On the other end of the spectrum I have also been learning about more reverent rituals and services like Ash Wednesday, Lent and the life of Benedictine monks.  I am fascinated by the focus and worship found in quietness.

 

I have begun to realize just how multi-faceted worship is. It isn't confined to music and it isn't something that can be stuffed into a neat little package.  No single denomination has cornered the market on "proper worship."  God is not more pleased or less pleased with our adoration of Him in its different forms.

 

True worship is a kaleidoscope of every color in the spectrum that combine to make one shining, brilliant white!  Each form of worship, whether it be exuberant or reverent, is a part of that whole.  And just as we are dazzled to watch the colors in a kaleidoscope roll and change to make new designs, we could (if we let ourselves) be just as awe inspired when it comes to different kinds of worship.

 

I can crank up Skillet and praise the Lord with a "joyful noise" or I can weep at the beauty and depth of an old Baptist hymn.  Both are true.  Both are correct.  And maybe Skillet isn't your cup of tea.  That's okay!  It's still a part of the same whole.  

The same God that paints a different masterpiece in the sky every morning and evening has imparted to us the same creative spirit.  That creativity craves different outlets and has a need to be expressed as well as a need to be experienced.  When it comes to worship, while here on earth, it will look different because we are all different.  It will be diverse because we interpret God differently.

 

When we get to heaven, I don't believe we will be divided by worship preference.  We will not find a single Baptist hymnal or Christ Tomlin song (gasp!).  We will be singing, shouting, chanting, repeating the same song...a NEW song!  A song shaped by the innermost part of our being and formed in complete understanding of the Almighty God as we stand in His presence and praise Him!

And it will be reverent and holy.  It will be joyous and jubilant.  It will be complete and perfect.  It will be all the parts finally coming together and making the perfect whole!

 

   "Then I heard the sound of massed choirs, the sound of a mighty cataract, the sound of strong thunder: 'Hallelujah! The Master reigns, our God, the Sovereign-Strong!  

   Let us celebrate, let us rejoice, let us give him the glory! The Marriage of the Lamb has come; his Wife has made herself ready'" 

Revelation 19:6-7

 

He MUST Have Me Around for Entertainment...

If my husband were to walk in the door right now, I would have a lot of (insert voice of Ricky Ricardo here) 'splainin' to do.

Today, I ventured into the realm of domestic diva and attempted to make my own laundry soap.  I had attempted this on an earlier occasion trying the pioneer method of stirring until my arms felt like limp noodles to get all the lumps out.  Eventually I deemed it "good enough" and went on with the process.  Suffice it to say...it wasn't.

So today I decided to try a "no cook" method for the "domestically challenged."  I must say, I took a bit of offense to that title and decided I don't receive that.     

Anyway, off I go to prove that I am NOT domestically challenged with a proud tilt of my chin and a determined glint in my eye.  It didn't last long.

It began with trying to clean the flopped detergent out of the containers they were in.  What I got for my effort was a gloppy, clumpy mess in my sink that bubbles.  Nice.  On the other hand, it did make an alright sink cleaner.

Then I figured out that when I began the process, 48 hours ago, I had separated my bar of soap into two bags instead of putting the whole thing in one bag and inadvertently soaked the soap in 4 cups of water instead of 2.  Oops.  Now what?

I quickly think, Double batch!  I run to my closet and begin to dig out canning jars and THAT requires pulling everything out of my side of the closet to get to said jars.  As I am furiously unwrapping jars and throwing newspaper, I realize it won't work.  I do not have another bar of soap or another 48 hours handy in which to dissolve the soap.

Sigh.

Leaving jars strewn all over and my closet upended, I return to the kitchen.  Finally I decide to dissolve my other ingredients in half the amount of boiling water called for, add my watered down soap and hope for the best.  All went fairly well after that until I managed to get a jar not quite the right size for the blender and narrowly avoided a shower of detergent and glass!  Changed to another jar and blended.  Crisis over.  Whew...time for a rest.

Or so I think.

The phone rings.  It's the school nurse telling me my oldest son is sick and needs to be picked up.  Okay.  I am still in my Tweety Bird PJ's so this is not a welcomed development.  AND I still have to go to Walmart.  (No, it couldn't wait)

Now I'm home with a boy in the bed, jars everywhere, bedroom looking like the closet vomited its contents all over and I sit here blogging in the midst of my mess.  

When my honey gets home he'll get to hear this whole story and we will share a good laugh together.  It's part of what makes being married worth while.  To have someone who will laugh with you and even help clean up a mess or two.

You know, God loves us like that.

We can make some of the biggest messes but He's always there to pick up the pieces.  Even when we can't laugh about it, He's there with strong arms to hold us while we cry.  

Yesterday I ran across these verses and they touched my heart.  Today, shaking my head at myself, I am hearing them again in my mind and it is making me smile.

 "...I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness. Again I will build you and you will be rebuilt, O virgin of Israel! Again you will take up your tambourines, and go forth to the dancers of the merrymakers."
~Jeremiah 31:3-4

God loves us with an everlasting and unfathomable love.  You may get irritated, frustrated, aggravated or just plain ugly during the course of a hectic and hair-raising day but remember that the Lover of your soul is always there waiting to embrace you and rebuild you.  

 

Eating With The Sinners

9) As Jesus passed on from there, He saw a man named Matthew sitting  at the tax office.  And He said to him, "Follow Me."  So he arose and followed Him.
10) Now it happened, as Jesus sat at the table in the house, that behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and sat down with Him and His disciples.
11) And when the Pharisees saw it, they said to His disciples, "Why does your Teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?"
12) When Jesus heard that, He said to them, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick.
13) But go and learn what this means:  'I desire mercy and not sacrifice.'  For I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance."  
~Matthew 9:9-13

For about a month now I have been hearing this phrase repeated over and over in my head, Eating with the sinners.  And as I read these words I feel the stirrings in my heart again.  A nagging in the back of my mind or in the depths of my soul that there is something wrong with the way I love.

You see, it isn't that I don't love people.  It is that I show that love in the wrong way.  I give unsolicited advice and worry constantly over the choices my dear ones make.  I warn and I preach and tell them that God has something better for them.  I voice my opinions on lifestyle choices of others loudly and pronounce them "lost."  Without realizing it, I have become what I thought I hated.

Jesus called Matthew in the middle of tax collecting.  Then he went to Matthew's house and hung out with his wrong-side-of-the-track friends.  What do you suppose they talked about?  I can tell you what they didn't talk about.  The Law.  If Jesus had been giving them a lecture on their lifestyle, the Pharisees would have been in the corner saying, "You tell 'em, Jesus!"

Instead they wanted to know why Jesus was disgracing Himself by hanging out with these sinners.  Ouch.  That hurt.  Know why?  Because that is what I am.  A sinner.  I have been forgetting that lately.  I am a sinner.  I am forgiven.  I have been redeemed and set free but I am still a sinner.  

The thing I notice about Jesus in these verses is that He accepted those people, those sinners, just as they were.  He may have talked about the love of God and His grace or He may have just simply shared a meal and some laughs.  But He didn't condemn, He didn't talk down to them.  He loved them.

When I say I am a Christian and called to love others...what does that mean?  What does that look like?  It looks like me having a relationship with others and leaving the judgment up to God.  It means that I don't try to lay the yoke of the Law on someone who doesn't know Jesus.  When I do that, I think I am pointing someone in the right direction but what I'm really saying is, Yes, Jesus loves you, but you need to get yourself cleaned up first.

I don't see Jesus presenting this message to Matthew and his friends.  I see Jesus spending some time just loving on some people that really, really need Him.  Have I loved on someone that needs Him lately?  

I need to change the way I love.  Maybe you do too.  I believe it is something we, as Christians, struggle with.  We don't want to come off as condoning an action so we err to the side of caution and condemn instead.  Friends, that is not what Jesus called us to do.  Jesus says the world will know we are Christians by our love, not our messages on hell fire and damnation.  

I need to get serious about loving people to Christ.  I'm not sure what that is going to mean but I feel sure it isn't going to be easy.  It won't be something I can make up my mind to do.  It will be a change brought on slowly by the Holy Spirit and God giving me plenty of opportunities to practice.  My goal should be to shine a Light, not quench a spark.  

46) "For if you love those who love you, what reward have you?  Do not even the tax collectors do the same?
47) And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do mare than others?  Do not even the tax collectors do so?"  ~Matthew 5:46-47

How about an upgrade?

Let's face it; we are a society that loves upgrades!  We can have a cell phone that works just fine and does exactly what we need it to do and love it...until the next new thing comes out.  We love our car until the new models come out for the next year.  Something in us just wants BETTER.

So why do we settle for the bare minimum when it comes to our walk with Jesus?

Are you in that place of wondering if this is ALL there is to faith?  Waking up early (when you could be sleeping) to go to church on Sunday morning to hear a message that tells you how much you're messing up.  Going to church expecting a jolt of some kind only to walk away thinking, I didn't get anything out of that.  Are you feeling rather ho-hum about the whole being a Christian thing, maybe feeling a little let down?

Well...how much are you putting in it?

Let's go back to thinking about upgrades.  When we decide to upgrade something in our life it is usually going to cost a little more money than the old one, right?  There is a little more investment involved.  We then have to decide whether or not the investment is worth the product.  Whether we are willing to pay the extra money to have the desired gadget.  Our faith journey is no different.

We can have just enough Jesus to keep us out of hell but not enough to allow us to walk in victory and have that abundant life we keep hearing about but not experiencing.  

Say whaaaaaat? 

Yes.  When we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior and we mean that with our whole heart, we are sealed by the Holy Spirit and are now His.  But here is the part we are not so familiar with...how the rest of the journey goes is up to us.  How much Jesus we experience is dependent on our obedience of Him.

John 15:4 says, "Abide in Me, and I in you.  As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me."

That word abide is very interesting.  It means to remain or to stay.  I have often heard the reminder when I have drifted from the path the Lord wants me to walk that He is not the one who moved, I am.  In order to have this "fruit," we must abide.

So...what kind of fruit are we talking about?  The fruit of the Spirit.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no low."  Galatians 5:22

Now, who doesn't want that kind of fruit in their life?  But it is contingent on our obedience.  We have received the greatest gift of all, eternal life through Christ, by simple belief and confession.  Now the rest of our journey and how much of Jesus we are going to experience is totally up to us.  

How much of those "fruits" do you want?  How much are you willing to invest?  When we walk according to the Word of the Lord, He blesses us with abundant life.  Not money, not riches, not good health, not power...He blesses us with those things that every living soul craves.

Are you tired of a faith that feels dead?  Are you tired of feeling like God doesn't hear you?  If you are, I ask you again:  How about an upgrade?  

Big Faith and Big Waves

I love Peter.  He is loud, brash and constantly opens his mouth before he thinks.  I can identify.  He has moments of tremendous faith followed by moments of extreme pride and lack of understanding.  Once again, I'm there!  So I love to read of his experiences because I see so much of my own attitudes and faults there.  I also see what he becomes and know that the One that began this good work in me will be faithful to complete it.

One of my favorite Peter-moments is when he gets to walk on the water.  I mean, seriously, how COOL would that be?  But what happens to Peter's faith?  What can I learn from his experience?  What can I learn about me and what can I learn about Jesus?

Without recounting the entire story found in Matthew chapter 14:22-33, let's start with Peter's request to come to Jesus walking on the water.  Peter asks the Lord for an amazing opportunity and the Lord grants him this chance.  Everything starts out fine as Peter locks eyes with Jesus and begins to, one step at the time, walk on the water.   

Then a HUGE wave comes and splashes Peter in the face.  All of a sudden, he can hear the wind howling and he begins to notice the humongous waves and he feels the rain pelting him.  He starts to lose his focus, he takes his eyes off Jesus...he begins to sink.  Then the Bible tells us this:

"Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of [Peter], and said to him, 'You of little faith, why did you doubt?'"  Matthew 14:31

This is where I have heard pastor's say Peter should have stayed in the boat because of the rebuke he receives from Jesus. In my own head I heard these words with the tone of, "Geez, Peter, why couldn't you just stay where I put you?"  Honestly, I'm sure Peter had thoughts similar to this.  But Jesus wasn't speaking to Peter with that tone.

Instead I hear His compassion and see the love pouring from his eyes as He asks Peter about his lack of faith.  In that tone I hear a touch of sadness.  I hear Jesus say, "Oh, Peter, why did you doubt Me?  I was right there the whole time."  

Peter had the faith to ask BIG, he had the faith to step out of the boat, he even had the faith to take steps toward Jesus but then he lost his focus.  He took his eyes off Jesus and stumbled.  How many times have I done that?  I start out fine but then waver as I doubt whether or not I "heard" God correctly.  I lost my focus.

Now I find myself in Peter's shoes again.  I have asked big and God has been faithful in providing me the opportunity.  I have stepped out in faith towards the One who says, "Come!" But from here on out I have to ask myself...where am I going to focus my eyes?  What am I missing out on right now because I am distracted by the wind and the waves?

I am determined that my eyes will stay locked with Jesus' and that I will continue on this awesome path He has put me on.  I know the waves are there, I hear the wind but those things remind me of how much I need Him.  They also remind me of what happens when I let the fear win.  I sink.

Lord, help me to keep my focus on You and only You.  Allow me to walk in the knowledge that if I start to sink, you will immediately reach Your hand to me and lift me up.  You will walk with me the entire way, You will lead me to places I have never been and could never go without You.  Lord, I am not satisfied where I am.  I do not want to stay in the boat and wait for You to get to me, I want to run to You!

The Prodigal Son: A Christmas Story!

What is the wonder of Christmas?

To me, the wonder of Christmas is a gift given by the Creator of the Universe, the Almighty God, the Giver of Life to poor creatures that have no hope of ever being able to do anything to deserve this gift. It is a gift that must be accepted as it is given, with no strings and a full understanding that repayment is impossible.

It is hard to express the sheer humility I feel when faced with my own unworthiness. However, there is a parable in the Bible that paints the picture beautifully.

Most of us are familiar with the parable of the The Prodigal Son.  But last week as I was preparing for the Sunday school lesson it hit me that the Prodigal Son is a Christmas Story.  It is a story about a gift given that was undeserved, about a gift that could never be repaid but most of all, it is the story of a father's love.  It is a story of our Father's love for us and the gift He has offered to us all.

Read:  The Prodigal Son – Luke 15:11-32

The Younger Son

The son has a pretty rotten attitude towards his dad. Usually one would have to good manners to wait until someone is dead before trying to claim their inheritance. He basically says, “Hey, I know you're not dead yet, but I think your rules are stupid and I could do much better on my own. I want to go do things my own way.”

In much the same way we say this to God when we choose to go our own way. We tell Him, “I got this! Your rules are just too much and I want to do things my own way!”

To no one's surprise, the son leaves home, squanders the money and hits rock bottom.

So why are we so surprised when it happens to us? Why are we shocked when we discover we cannot make it on our own? 

Nothing makes going home seem like a more viable option than hitting rock bottom. Nothing makes your pride more palatable than having nothing left to lose. So the son decides to return home.

Can't you see him rehearsing his speech all the way home?  You know he did because what he says to his dad is the exact same thing he said to himself!

Can you feel his tension mounting as he nears home?

His palms begin to sweat.

He feet start to slow down and he begins to think maybe this wasn't such a great idea.

He starts feeling a little queasy.

He mouth goes dry...then he sees him. The far off image of his father in the distance and he stops.

There is a moment of intense fear that happens when we face our mistakes head on, when we surrender to the outcome whatever it may be.  For this son, that moment is now.  He sees his father, and knows the moment of truth has come.  Ready or not...

The Father

Imagine the father's hurt. Imagine what it would feel like if your child said to you, “I can't wait til I'm 18 so I can get out of here and away from you! If you are going to leave me anything when you die, can you just give it to me early so I can leave?”

The father doesn't want his son to leave, knows he's making a mistake but knows that by keeping him there against his will is only going to build resentment. So with a heavy heart, he lets him go.

And if I were this father, I can't help but think I'd be angry. I might even let myself grow bitter out of my hurt.

But not this father, THIS father watches for his son every day. He stands at the window, then at the door. He stops in the middle of his work during the day because he thinks he sees his son coming down the road. He just wants his son to return so he watches for him and longs for him.  He loves him from afar because that is as close as he can get.

And one day it happens, he sees him! He abandons all sense of decorum (men in Biblical times did NOT run...it was undignified) and runs to meet his son that has come home. Never mind he's filthy, never mind he smells like he's been sleeping with the pigs, HIS SON IS HOME! And he WANTS to be there!

The father doesn't care where his son has been, he doesn't even ask any questions. He immediately gives orders to get him cleaned up and get him looking like an heir again. In his joy, he throws a party celebrating the son that was thought to be dead, but is alive; lost and now is found!

God, our Father, doesn't care where we have been. He longs for us just as this father longed for the return of his son. He looks for us, He sends us messages, He calls to us, He pleads with us and when we come to our senses, He runs to us!!

The Prodigal Son is all of us, the father is God. We have done nothing to deserve the gift of mercy and grace we have received through Christ Jesus. But the offer stands. God doesn't make us come grovelling to Him on our hands and knees. He knows our hearts and when we turn towards home, he RUNS to meet us where we are. I'm sure if that father had known his son had turned toward home, he would have met him with a donkey, picked him up and carried him the rest of the way home.

This is a picture of Christmas! An undeserved gift that cannot be repaid. A gift for which we are so grateful it changes the rest of our lives. A gift that has changed us so much, we should WANT to share it with others.

When we choose not to share this gift we become like the third party in our story, the older son.

The Older Son

There is one in every family...at least one. That person that just can't stand to see others having a good time. I call them Debbie Downers or the Cold Bucket Brigade because they always have something ugly to say even in the best of circumstances.

Everyone is having a great time at the party when the older son comes in from the fields and hears the music. He asks someone what's going and is told his brother is home and his father is having a party. Immediately, the older son is furious! He is flabbergasted that his dad would honor his good-for-nothing younger brother when he did nothing to deserve it. What a jerk, right?

Truth is, we all have some older son in us all.

On the surface, the older son looks like a spoiled brat. But think about it...he's been there with his dad through everything, saw how much his dad hurt over the younger son's actions obviously knew what his little brother was up to and grew more resentful by the day. Then the brother comes home and BAM! He's forgiven, it's like nothing ever happened and they are having a PARTY! Sound fair to you?

How do you react when someone who has hurt you walks back into your life, claims to have found Christ and asks you for forgiveness?

How do you respond to the fact that God forgave them just like He forgave you?

What is your reaction when you hear about child molesters, serials killers and rapists?  I have caught myself saying things like, "There's a special place in hell for people like that."  That's my older son rearing its ugly head.

Did you know that when that child molester, rapist, serial killer finds Christ there is a party in heaven?  Doesn't that just get your goat?  But the wonder of Christmas is that the gift of salvation is indeed for anyone who will accept it.

The gift of Christ is for everyone. If it's good enough for you, it's good enough for them. Who are we to discriminate and decide who we will and we will not tell? Can we say for sure who will accept the gift and who will not? Do we truly believe the gift is for everyone?

The wonder of Christmas is the undeserved gift that keeps on giving...that is, if we pass it along. Who will you pass the gift to this year?

The Sinner

The woman came in unexpected and uninvited.   It was an outdoor, courtyard meal where the guest of honor was a new Rabbi.  The men are reclining at the table with their feet behind them.   As she enters, conversation stops.  Everyone knows who she is and she knows it. Each face is either staring at her in disgust or looking the other way trying desperately not to make eye contact.  Every face but One.  

She had heard of Jesus.  Heard his voice, heard Him teach and there was something about Him that was different.  His compassion with people who were sick and hurting stirred something within her.  Something she thought was dead.   

She knew the level of her guilt. She felt it from every stare in the room, she felt it coming from every pore of her being. Guilty, GUILTY, dirty, filthy were the whispers in her mind.

She is now standing behind His feet trembling. The tears begin to fall.    As they fall, they fall on His dirty feet (that for some reason, no one has washed) and her tears make clean tracks through the dust.  She bends, uncovers her hair, hears the collective gasps from the room but does not stop.  She wipes his feet clean with her hair.  As she cleans she pauses to kiss them and more tears fall. 

 She had almost forgotten the jar. 

 Her most prized possession.  She had scrimped and saved for months for this alabaster jar of perfume.  This jar she anointed herself with between men.  And now, she wants nothing more than to give it all to this man.  She knows that in order to be clean, she must give it all.  There can be nothing left.  And so she pours out the contents of the jar until not a drop is left. 

Vaguely she hears Jesus speaking but is enraptured in His presence.  It isn't until she hears Him speak the words her heart had longed to hear that she stops her flagrant worship. Jesus looks at her with a tender and complete love and says, “Your sins are forgiven. Your faith has saved you. Go in peace.” 

In that moment, the stirring in her heart, the feeling she thought dead, the Hope inside her broke free and she laughed.

"You gave me no kiss; but she, since the time I came in, has not ceased to kiss My feet.  You did not anoint My head with oil, but she anointed My feet with perfume.  For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little."  Luke 7:46-47